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It’s been a tough week.
I don’t even know why, to be honest. Everything is normal. Nothing crazy is happening. Maybe it’s just the season, or the heat, or whatever.
I could sit here and feel sorry for myself (and I do that, plenty). It’s really tempting. Let me just sit and mull over how difficult my life is, how crappy other people are being, and how unappreciated I feel. That’ll fix everything. It always did before.
As the great philosopher Eminem says, “Snap back to reality!”
Or, whatever. Point is, feeling sorry for myself is kind of stupid. It’s not that the emotions themselves are stupid, but spinning the negative thoughts over and over is really stupid. It doesn’t do anything good for me.
But man, anger is one hell of a drug.
It feels so damn good to be mad, you know? I had to give up everything else, why can’t I just have this?
No can do. I can’t sit around and be angry. It’s dangerous for me. Sure, I can feel angry and I can appreciate that emotion as much as the others, but I can’t get drunk on it. Rage and resentment and self-righteousness will drive me back to alcohol faster than just about anything else. Every time I’ve been dangerously close to drinking, I’ve been angry. I haven’t always known I was angry, but deep down, that was always the driving factor.
Yeah yeah, this is a little bit of a stream of consciousness, I know. I didn’t start out talking about anger, but here we are. People don’t do what I want them to do. My ducks don’t line up the way they should. My kids are growing up, and they are their own people with emotions and thoughts and plans that I can’t always control. Blah blah blah.
Fact: I can’t stay sober if I stay angry and resentful for too long.
Drinking won’t fix the problems that make me angry and resentful, either. It would only make them worse. As frustrating as this fact might be, it is my reality. I have to deal with it, because apparently running from it doesn’t do any good.
This whole “growth” thing is pretty cool, but also really hard sometimes. See, chewing on anger too long is bad. Acknowledging my anger, then recognizing my part, and moving on (with forgiveness or whatever else is needed) is much, much better. Easier said than done, but better.
I know this is a rambling post. But here it is, in all its glory. Tomorrow is a new day, right?
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Hi! I'm Ashley, and my sobriety date is May 6, 2015. I write to share my experience, strength, and hope in recovery. On any given day, you can find me developing websites, writing, or chauffeuring kids around. Read my story...
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