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I can be thankful to be sober, I can enjoy being sober, and I can also be bored.
It’s ok to be bored. At least, I hope it is, because I’m just going to embrace it and get over it. There’s no “right” that I have to be entertained, or be entertaining, at all times. I may feel bored, I may long for that artificial excitement, but it’s just not worth the trouble anymore.
At any moment, I could just say “screw it”, and grab a case of beer at the grocery store (and I’ve passed enough cases and had that thought enough, to be sure). I could swing into a local liquor store and pick up a small bottle of rum to secretly nurse, and “nobody would know”.
These are the thoughts of an alcoholic. Because to an alcoholic, all of this sounds perfectly natural. Why SHOULDN’T I do that? Who has the right to tell me what to do? Well…nobody is telling me what to do, actually. I’M telling me what to do, and I’ve decided that alcohol has far overstayed its welcome.
And that is what I have to remember, or what I try to remember. At any point, I could drink. There is literally nothing stopping me. I’m not in prison, I live within walking distance to a gas station, bar, and grocery store. I live a 3 minute drive away from a liquor store. I’m an adult, I have no DUIs on my record, I have no legal consequences from drinking. I wouldn’t lose my family (immediately). I probably wouldn’t die (immediately).
The thought that I can, or worse, should drink alcohol after everything I have experienced, is the insanity. I have been to hell and back. Things I may or may not ever write about publicly. To think that I can try it again is just plain insane.
Some days, sobriety is easy. Some days, sobriety is really hard.
Most days right now, it’s somewhere in between. The mental obsession can get going again, and I just want to talk it out to keep from drinking it away. Blogging will have to do, and it seems to work alright.
So, here I am. Another day. It’s not over yet, but God willing when my head hits the pillow tonight, it will be another day sober. I’m thankful for that.
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Hi! I'm Ashley, and my sobriety date is May 6, 2015. I write to share my experience, strength, and hope in recovery. On any given day, you can find me developing websites, writing, or chauffeuring kids around. Read my story...
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