Turning Thirty Sober

I wrote this post and made it private before I ever really shared this blog. Pulling it out of “hiding” today (Feb 2017). Just a few short thoughts on sobriety and hitting the big 3-0.

I’ll be 30 years old in 10 days.This will be my first sober birthday in about a decade (excluding pregnancies), I think. I’m proud of the fact that by the grace of God, I will be entering my thirties completely sober, and with a 10 month stretch under my belt at that. I will be closing a chapter, and starting a new one.

Life is scary as hell sometimes.

I don’t like unknowns. I like plans, or at least general concepts that I can work toward. Getting acquainted with discomfort and uncertainty has been one of the heaviest life lessons that I have received in the past few years.

I can’t control other people. I can’t control the weather, sickness, death, life. I can no more determine what somebody else does than I can ask the sun to stay up just a few more hours (or go down a few hours earlier).

This has been a very, very expensive lesson learned, and yet I still have to force myself to remember it nearly every day.

Forgiveness is even harder. I can think that I’ve forgiven someone, I can pray about it and feel sure, and then that ugly resentment rears up unexpectedly. Why is this so difficult? Everybody lets you down at some point or another. I have let numerous people down myself, and I still have wonderful friends and people in my life.

The difficulty that I find with forgiveness is that I think that I can forgive somebody, but keeping them in my life is a whole other struggle, when it’s necessary to do so.

All I want to do is take life one day at a time. It’s easier said than done. I think about next week, next month, next vacation, next break. It makes it so difficult to enjoy the Right Now, being tense that it could be so much better, or it’s about to be over, or whatever the case may be.

I’ve heard of people doing x number of good deeds on their birthday (corresponding to their age), and I think I am going to do the same. I’ve also been trying to think of habits that I’d like to pick up, or quit. I’ve already quit drinking, and I don’t smoke or drink too much coffee. I suppose I could stand to eliminate diet soda. But…eh.

I’d rather focus on adding in good habits before I eliminate anything else just yet. 30-day challenges are always intriguing to me. I like the idea of just doing month-long resolutions, to see what sticks and what doesn’t. I will be trying this out starting in April, with daily journaling.

One day at a time, one moment at a time.